In part one of this 40 part series, we'll pop in and say "hey, what's up" and eventually, "that's fucking insane" to Phillies catcher Darren 'Dutch' Daulton. But first, lets take a look back to the summer of 1993. Jurassic Park. Series finale of Cheers. Czechoslovakia splits. Prince becomes a symbol. And most importantly, the Netherlands legalizes euthanasia. But one man, in-between saying his goodbyes to one of the best character driven comedies in the history of television and seeing Jurassic Park for the 10th time, had his second best statistical year as catcher for the Philadelphia Phillies. That man: Darren Dutch Daulton. 24 HR, 105 RBI, .392 OBS, 135 *OPS+. "Pretty good numbers, but not spectacular" you might tell me. First of all, thats a pretty dumb thing to say. Daulton not only finished in the top 10 in on base percentage, runs batted in, walks, and extra base hits, but he also finished 7th in NL MVP voting. On this '93 world series appearing team, Dutch lived up to his billing as the "Greatest Clubhouse Leader the Phillies ever had."
So.. Where is he now?
Dutch has had a history of DUIs, and in 2001 and 2003 he got charged with driving under the influence with a suspended license. The 2001 accident, Dutch claims, "was the result of getting run off the road as a consequence of a business deal with ties to the FBI and the White House."
This is a little fucking maddening, yes? Why would the FBI and white house want to hurt Dutch? Did they not watch the Phillies in the early '90s? Great team. Great team. As it turns out, the FBI interveined because of Dutch's "Unconventional theories regarding human existence and time-travel."
Daulton now dabbles in metaphysical philosophy, having published If They Only Knew in 2007. The book is a tour de force personal journey of one man who dares to believe in himself, and also the end of the world in 2012. Among his other truths:
*The universe is created and sustained by numerical synchronicities, and that all matter is charged with vibrational energy, which has escaped human perception because it is extradimensional in origin.
*Those who are conscious of this energy can manipulate it to affect reality in different ways, such as altering the weather.
*Pyramids and Mayan temples were created by a lost civilization, and that people with knowledge of the workings of the system will "ascend" at the conclusion of the Mayan Calendar on Dec. 21, 2012, at 11:11 a.m. (Greenwich Mean Time), vanishing into a new plane of existence.
Most impressively, Daulton explained in an ESPN interview that he has both skipped through time, and sucessfully experienced astral travel.
Now you understand why the government wants him to keep quiet.
1 comment:
"If They Only Knew" belongs on the Books and Booze list.
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