Oh, Masturbation?

This was on GMask today. Somehow the classic "Oh, Masturbation" did not make the list.

Lonesome and Alone: Day 4

So it's been four days since my life partner went away and I'm realizing that it's probably beneficial that we live together. I don't just mean that because we have a mutual admiration, but rather, my life partner is beneficial to my health.

Since my life partner left, I have only consumed a hamburger, frozen pizza, and a bag of chips. I guess I've been too preoccupied with my fridgefullabeer and videogames to pay attention to my stomach. New diet? I think so.

Some Silliness

I don't know why, but this video made me LOL for awhile. I feel like Sammy will enjoy this the most.

american pale ale: Day 3

I'm sexually aroused. Are you?

The Boys Were Feeling Good About Their Liquor Run

So as many of you already know, my life partner is in Houston for a conference all week. My life partner worries that I may be unable to fend for myself in terms of food so we went grocery shopping together late last week. We spent about $30 at Trader Joe's on some grocery type items (I think mainly frozen pizza and cereal).

You see... I had a higher purpose for my fridge this week. Behold and rejoice.


(From Left to Right: Amber, Island Wheat, Maibock, Blonde Dopplebock, Bavarian Lager, Munich Dark)


That's 2.5 cases or 10 6-packs or 60 longnecks. This is internet porn I can get behind.

Caption Contest Winner #5

Apparently I partied a little too hard a little too early last night. I'm actually equally surprised and disappointed with myself right now. It was a serious dent in my manly armor. Never fear, I will be back at it in full force in a matter of hours.

But now for more serious matters: captions. Everybody is a winner for the last picture. I truly appreciated all of the fantastic Freshman year references. Those were the days when I could actually drink and not call it a night at 11PM. The next picture is one of my all time favorite pictures of anything ever. If I'm ever having a bad day, I just open up this picture and everything is better. Enjoy:

Whiskey

I'm making a whiskey run (to hell with this "beer run" nonsense) promptly at 7PM to Woodman's. If you want in, let me know somehow.

Really Old but Still Mindblowingly Ridiculous

So, about 9 months ago "Hollywood" Hulk Hogan (actually, that whole name should be in quotes because not a single part of it is real, not even Hogan) was awarded father of the year. By whom or what organization, you ask? I didn't feel like researching it more than I already have, so that one's on you. Anyway, as I was perusing my daily websites, I noticed that Tyler Durden had a story today on both of his children, Nick and Brooke. If you've been under a rock for the last year, Nick is in jail for turning someone into a vegetable, and destroying the dude's fucking face, and Brooke has turned into a skanked-out, trampy whore who pretends to sing. She is also considering doing a spread in Playboy, apparently. Oh yeah, Hulk (Not to be confused with our Hulks-in-socks) is now divorced from his equally plastic, whorish wife, Linda.

Certainly anybody who has been keeping up with pop culture has pondered, as I am pondering now, how Hulk Hogan won "Father of the Year."

Thoughts on the issue would be appreciated. Or general venting. Whatever floats your boat. Or if you have the perfect ratio of PB to J for a good PB&J, I'll take it.

pickup bball 2day

if anyone wants to shoot some rocks (not crack) around 6pm on the dayton courts give me a call, we're trying to get a small game 2gether

Where Are They Now: 1993 Philadelphia Phillies - Part One - Darren Daulton

In part one of this 40 part series, we'll pop in and say "hey, what's up" and eventually, "that's fucking insane" to Phillies catcher Darren 'Dutch' Daulton. But first, lets take a look back to the summer of 1993. Jurassic Park. Series finale of Cheers. Czechoslovakia splits. Prince becomes a symbol. And most importantly, the Netherlands legalizes euthanasia. But one man, in-between saying his goodbyes to one of the best character driven comedies in the history of television and seeing Jurassic Park for the 10th time, had his second best statistical year as catcher for the Philadelphia Phillies. That man: Darren Dutch Daulton. 24 HR, 105 RBI, .392 OBS, 135 *OPS+. "Pretty good numbers, but not spectacular" you might tell me. First of all, thats a pretty dumb thing to say. Daulton not only finished in the top 10 in on base percentage, runs batted in, walks, and extra base hits, but he also finished 7th in NL MVP voting. On this '93 world series appearing team, Dutch lived up to his billing as the "Greatest Clubhouse Leader the Phillies ever had."
So.. Where is he now?
Dutch has had a history of DUIs, and in 2001 and 2003 he got charged with driving under the influence with a suspended license. The 2001 accident, Dutch claims, "was the result of getting run off the road as a consequence of a business deal with ties to the FBI and the White House."
This is a little fucking maddening, yes? Why would the FBI and white house want to hurt Dutch? Did they not watch the Phillies in the early '90s? Great team. Great team. As it turns out, the FBI interveined because of Dutch's "Unconventional theories regarding human existence and time-travel."
Daulton now dabbles in metaphysical philosophy, having published If They Only Knew in 2007. The book is a tour de force personal journey of one man who dares to believe in himself, and also the end of the world in 2012. Among his other truths:
*The universe is created and sustained by numerical synchronicities, and that all matter is charged with vibrational energy, which has escaped human perception because it is extradimensional in origin.
*Those who are conscious of this energy can manipulate it to affect reality in different ways, such as altering the weather.
*Pyramids and Mayan temples were created by a lost civilization, and that people with knowledge of the workings of the system will "ascend" at the conclusion of the Mayan Calendar on Dec. 21, 2012, at 11:11 a.m. (Greenwich Mean Time), vanishing into a new plane of existence.

Most impressively, Daulton explained in an ESPN interview that he has both skipped through time, and sucessfully experienced astral travel.
Now you understand why the government wants him to keep quiet.

Help For Hulksy

So The Hulk has another interview next week, at which he is required to give a presentation. Here are some of the considerations:

1) How to Drink a Guinness in Five Seconds
2) The Scrambler: A History of a Legend
3) The Day Long Hangover and How to Love It

Have any suggestions? Let me know.

Lord, Maybe I'm Not So Discouraged

I love massive nights. I probably love them more than the next guy. But I hate the feeling I get when they're over.

Do you remember back when you were young and you'd have some friends over for a sleepover? You'd probably try to stay up as late as you could, drink tons of soda, eat candy, watch movies, and play video games. I loved doing that. But the next morning, I'd feel utterly empty.

I've never been able to shake this feeling, regardless of what precedes it. In high school, I'd feel like that after big parties, football games, or dances. During college, it followed massive nights, house parties, birthday celebrations, and weekend excursions of epic proportions... often accompanied by an day long hangover. It's especially bad at critical life junctures, graduations, marriage, etc.

I had a massive weekend. A day long bachelor party left me sore, bruised, dehydrated, and sweaty. The drinking that followed left me exhausted (though, oddly enough, not hungover). I had a day of rest, followed by the best concert I can remember (and of course, drinking). But today when I got up I had no ambition, no drive to get up.

I envy people that can live even-keeled. Those people who can experience the best parts of life without feeling empty and hollow the next day. I'll never be one of those people. I'm doomed to live in boredom until that next massive night.

Those other people, they'll adjust well to a mundane existence as lawyers and government employees living out in the suburbs. They'll be content with their daily routine, maybe having a barbecue on the weekends or vacationing in Florida or the Rocky Mountains with their 2.5 kids and dog.

Maybe my pseudo-bipolar isn't so bad after all. Boredom and restlessness suck, but it makes the good times seem all that much better. I think I'd rather live in black and white than gray. I guess I have to stay positive.

Caption Contest Winner #4

The winner for the last picture is Slider's second post. No real explanation beyond that. He does things for me that other people can only dream of. Anywho, I decided to subject myself to the next round of captioning. Enjoy:

My Phone

Hey Buskus i think i left my phone in your car. Did you get home eventually?

George Costanza likes McDonalds!

Phunky Phanatic Phriday

It's spreading.

Will It Blend? - iPhone3G

Caption Contest Winner #3

Well, it appears as though everybody has been scared off by the genius of James' post on the previous picture. He is the winner, of course. This next picture does not feature the Buskus, but Buskus was within 15 feet of the action. If memory serves me, this was the genesis of "Pukey McSlutface McGee." Happy captioning:

Luther Burger

Luther Vandross' burger of choice. Available at Madison Mallards games.

Caption Contest Winner #2

It's almost a three-way tie among Grebutron, Slider, and Frogger. James nailed it again with one of the most common Buskisms and I LOL'd a lot. I liked Slider's because WTF, cardigans? And Greg went for the less obvious approach and truly used the nature of the picture to make me chuckle. I think I will give the edge to Greg.

The next picture that's up for captioning is courtesy of Greg. I really enjoyed the batch of pixxx that Greg sent, so basically he could write "unicorns are awesome" and he will probably win the next contest. Here it is:

Hold On To Your Penises

This article appeared in Harper's and was written by a guy from Madison. Oh yeah, it's about magical penis thievery. No joke.

A mind dismembered: In search of the magical penis thieves

Although it was hilarious, I also found it really interesting, particularly for those interested in society and psychology.

Everybody Poops.

These guys just dedicate their time to writing about it. My hat's off to you gentleshitters.

www.poopreport.com

Twix Knows College-Aged Twats

I'm pretty sure that this is exactly what college was like. The girl in this commercial is like 90% of the people (men and women) that I met during the last 4 years. Dumb and oblivious.

Get The Girl | Funny Jokes at JibJab

Speaking of lol-ing really hard

A Night Out

Caption Contest Winner #1

Since the caption contest is off the front page, I've decided to announce the winner. It was close between Greg's original caption and Jimbo's caption. Greg went topical with the keys comment, but James went classic with the food comment. Having experienced so many times the "lemme get some of that" I had to give the edge to the Grebutron. I also LOL'd pretty hard when I read it. Your prize, sir: a pat on the back. Well done. Here is the next caption contest:

Remember, there is no limit on the number of captions you can submit!

Her Name Was Sally, But They All Called Her Sal Mineo

In an attempt to view every Steve McQueen film ever made, I watched "Somebody Up There Likes Me" (1956). McQueen is in the movie for all of two minutes, usually seen with a knife... badass. However, the movie still kicked some unexpected ass. I think it was Paul Newman's second movie and I've decided I like him too. This is primarily because of his performance, but secondarily out of vanity. Apparently my life partner's grandmother thinks I look like Paul Newman. I don't believe it, but I wouldn't mind if it were true.

Newman stars as Rocky Graziano, a middleweight world champ who came from a badass past, but turned his life around through boxing. IMDB tells me, and the Buskus may be able to confirm, that Graziano won the title from Tony Zale, but later, lost it to Zale in another match. He also fought Sugar Robinson, knocked him down, but eventually lost. The movie, however, concludes with Graziano on top.

The Trailer:


For Buskus, Zale vs. Graziano (1948):


The film also features Sal Mineo, perhaps you know him as Plato from Rebel Without A Cause. His role was relatively minor, but it finally explains a Lifter Puller (Finn's band before Hold Steady) reference. Until now, I was pretty sure they were talking about Al Mineo, the once leader of the Gambino family. I must have added an "S" by mistake. Coincidentally, both Al and Sal were murdered.

As Town might describe it, it was a good flick. I gave it 5/5 on Netflix. It also convinced me that the Buskus should pursue his boxing interests in the ring.

Because Wednesdays Suck

Happy Hump Day.

Trader Joe's, Homophobic?

I'm a pretty big fan of Trader Joe's, I can get all sorts of cheap protein from soy and shit. Anyway, I was googling the hell out of it and, well... just check this out: Google Search for Trader Joe's.

Right below "What We Sell". It totally threw me off at first glance.

Like The Smart/Shy Girl At The Bar... Tempe AZ, I've Noticed You

Hey there Tempe, AZ. Not feelin the love? I'd like to change that. I've seen you hangin around, you come here often? My hair, why thank you, it is quite full. Let's get to know you better, let me get you a drink. Welcome to The Buskus Report.

Tempe, loving referred to as Phoenix's smarter, younger sister, is located in beautiful south-central Arizona, 20 minutes away from bustling Phoenix. Tempe boasts the area's smartest residents (40% of those over 25 have a bachelors, 14% have an advanced degree; both higher than the national average) and seems to resemble Madison in it's efforts to be smart, young, trendy, diverse, and green. Brainy industry, light rail, a small population of senior citizens (6% vs. 12% national average) keep Tempe hip and with it.

However, Tempe is not Phoenix's Middleton. Nuhnuhnuhno. Unlike Middleton, Tempe is a suburb with minorities, in fact, there is a sizeable Asian population (6% vs. ~3% for other minorities and 80% white). Also, Tempe isn't a little bitch like Middleton. Tempe is more like Madison, a lovely, educated college town (ASU is Tempe's largest employer). However, like Madison, Tempe takes itself a little too seriously sometimes... that is, we have to talk a lot about how special we are.

See what I mean hear... while also learning a bit more about lovely Tempe:


Or check out the development of their market:


Anyway, Welcome Tempe. Hope you enjoy your time with TBR, sorry you're stuck in Arizona.

EDIT: Also, Tempe trains Teach For America operatives.

TBR Book Club, Books and Booze?

Hey dudes,

I'd like to organize a book club (tentatively titled "Books and Booze") and I'd love your company. Depending on what people want, I was thinking a monthly meeting or so, potentially at the Terrace, probably with booze, to talk about books (fiction or nonfiction) that we chose to read.

The reason this is posted here is because I can't seem to locate Slider or Frogger's email addresses. If you want in, drop a comment here or shoot me an email with two reading suggestions. Even if I'm the only one to join, this is going to happen, so I hope you're down.

Caption Contest

So I'm stealing a page from Funny or Die here, but whatevs. I am considering starting a weekly caption contest featuring pictures of our beloved Buskus. If anonymity was a goal of this site, I apologize, but there are only x number of Buski who look like that guy over in the side bar and 0 < x < 2, so it's kinda silly. Anywho, here is this week's pic. Give it your best caption and winners will be announced at a future date by a completely unbiased panel of qualified judges.

Also, feel free to send pictures of Buskus, or anything for that matter, my way and they will make it up on the site.

Is Slider Alive?

Just checking. And calling him seems like a lot of work.

Crawford County, Don't Let Me Explode

After a somewhat disappointing fireworks display at the Black Hawk golf course, my life partner and I decided we needed a little R&R and some kickass fireworks. So yesterday, we got in our car and drove to my family's cabin in Prairie du Chien.

The PDC is a pretty quiet river town about five minutes from Iowa, about two hours west of Madison. On our way through town, my inner 12 year old perked up, and we bought some big sexy fireworks. By the way, I now have a Class C license, so if you need me to set off some manly fireworks, gimme a call.
We didn't stay long in the PDC, just long enough to go for a kayak, get some beer, and blow up fifty bucks. When the beer, fireworks, and part of my thumb were gone, I got a little restless.

So my life partner and I jumped in the car. Only this time, I took the wheel. Oh that's right, j.patrick finally learned to drive stick this weekend. A little reverse practice, some hill stops and starts, and practice getting it into 4th in under ten seconds. My life partner endured many sloppy gear changes, but holy crap it was fun.

I drove home from the PDC and only killed it once. Not bad for my first rural highway driving I'd say. All in all, a highly productive weekend, thanks Crawford County.

Sorry

I can't not post this

I've Got Serious Training To Do

As you may know, I pride myself on my Guiness drinking abilities. Unfortunately, it looks like I've got some serious work to do.





Soon enough, I hope to post my own video. Until then, you'll find me training. I'll need all of your support.

New Websites Allow You To Obsess and Spend Money!

Did your office catch you looking at TBR too often and ban it? Are you looking for a new website that you can update constantly at work while simultaneously blowing your paycheck on frivolities? I've found the perfect websites for you.

The way these websites work is somewhat interesting. They sell only one item at a time, but at pretty good deals (50-70% off) and on pretty good brands. They sell the item until it sells out or time runs up. I've seen snowboards usually at $600 selling for $240 and all sorts of other decent deals. Each sight sells a slightly different style of thing:

Steep and Cheap - Primarily camping, hiking, mountain sports type equipment and clothing
Chain Love - Primarily biking equipment and clothing
Whiskey Militia - Primarily surf and skate equipment and clothing

Steep and Cheap is my personal favorite, but only because I've got no need for bike jerseys or plaid boardshorts. Pages refresh every 15 min to hour, so have that F5 button ready!

might be worthwhile

First, play the contents of this link in another tab or window. Then switch back here and simultaneously play the following video.


Best Buy Dance Off - Watch more free videos

Hooray

Some Apologies and Requests for Clarification

Hi World, I just want to apologize for drinking all your alcohol last night. I don't think there's any left.

Also, Grebutron, sorry about breaking your glass during that overzealous cheers. I feel that maybe that was a pretty GOL move.

Could someone please clear up the following? WTF did I eat? Because it pretty much looked like lawn clippings. Also, what happened to Willips Bittycook an Jeremy? Was I the only person that drank too much? Why did we go to State Street Bar?

Daytime TV sucks without infomercials. Pukey McSlutface, out.

Happy 4th of July

This is goin out to you, from someecards.com, "when you care enough to hit send."

JC, She's Got You Beat

What Made Milwaukee Famous

In true TBR fashion, I'd like to quickly welcome our readers from Milwaukee. Don't think I haven't noticed you... my eyes are everywhere. Just kidding. But seriously, Google Analytic's eyes are. Anyway, to help welcome Milwaukee, let's take a closer look at Beer City.



Some may wonder, "isn't Milwaukee basically a larger, more industrial version of Madison's dreaded East Side?" No. That's just incentive. How dare you compare the birthplace of Schlitz, Blatz, Pabst, and Miller to the home of Oscar Meyer. Not that the East Side doesn't have something to offer, but it's all within walking distance of the Square.

Was it the beer that made Milwaukee famous? Yes, yes it was. When you ask someone about Milwaukee, they probably won't acknowledge the city's Black Holocaust museum, Zoo, or Arena Football Team. They'll mention beer and maybe obesity, crime, and Summerfest. Old folks might harken back to Laverne and Shirley or Happy Days.



Eehhhhh.

"Woawoawoa whoa" The Buskus might proclaim, "what about the Bucks and Brewers." Sorry Buskus, I'd gladly trade both teams for a magnum of Schlitz, Blatz, or PBR. I've never been much of a Miller guy.



So friends, the next time you're consuming, think of our friends in Milwaukee and rejoice.

My Goal For Next Year

HCC: Magazines That Suck

I recently picked up a magazine at Barnes and Noble after not finding anything else I wanted to buy. The magazine, Men's Health, is similar to one I used to get when I was younger and hulkier but stopped my subscription after realizing that the editor-in-chief was Joe Wieder (who incidentally also owned Wieder Global Nutrition, etc.) and that the magazine was primarily used to plug is products. Anyway, I decided to get this for a quick, easy read that might also keep my motivation up while working out. Well, it was quick and easy. I swear, this magazine has 2 or 3 pages of add per page of large, bold type and pictures.

But what's more is that the organization is terrible. It throws little snippets of information without really tying into the larger picture. For example, on page 24, the magazine recommends eating wheat germ instead of taking Centrum Cardio, referencing a study in which men who consumed more multivitamins have a higher chance of getting prostate cancer. Then, on page 42, the magazine recommends taking "a daily multivitamin, like Centrum," because beta-carotene was found to be beneficial for brain health.

The other thing that bugs me is that these magazines are really just large ads. I can handle it when the magazine includes advertisements on every other page or even when they subtly place the ad for running shoes following an article on running. What I fuckin' hate is when every article recommends a product and gives the price and how you can order it.

For example, there is a one page pseudo-article on triathlons that was basically a plug for three really expensive, unnecessary items (pricey swim/run unitard, bike, and shoes). The thing that bugs me is that this is supposed to be a health magazine, not a pricey gadget magazine. WTF do I need to drop circa two grand to do a triathlon? If the point is being healthy, my 10 year old swimsuit, 7 year old mountain bike, and 5 year old sneakers should suffice. Unless you actually have a shot at winning, you don't need all that gear.

Obviously, not all magazines are as bad as this, but I think it's often hard to find the good ones. Stay away from this smut. All filler, no killer.

Happy Birthday Missy Elliott!

Happy birthday from Willips to Missy. Remember when you used to make kick-ass videos?

Happy July, Losers.

Well, I figured it was probably my duty to welcome the new month in, on account of the fact that most you of dudes have been keeping a low profile lately. Here are some interesting facts about July:

• On this day in 1963, the government introduced the zip code. If you didn't know, zip is actually an acronym for "zone improvement plan".
• July 16, 1951 saw the release of Salinger's timeless Catcher in the Rye.
• July 4, 1776. Nothing Much.
• July 20, 1969. First moon landing. Probably fake.

Dazzle your party guests with your astounding intellect and reservoir of useless trivia. But don't rattle this off to me or I'll call you out on it. Jerks.

EDIT: As the man who knows everyones birthday has pointed out, the moon landing actually occured on 7/20/69, not 7/20/60 as previously reported. In the future, I promise to be more careful when I copy dates from wikipedia.